April 29th, 2026

When I was single, I sometimes got this feeling when I met guys. It felt like a rush throughout my bones, like a key had finally fit. I thought it meant I had met my soulmate. I’d tell my friends, “That’s the love of my life, I’m going to marry that man,” and the rush would go on until it went nowhere. The key never turned. It never happened with anyone I planned to meet; it only happened in coincidental scenarios like bars, stores, or coffee shops. Essentially, only moments that could happen in a romcom movie. I never did get that feeling with Geo. Of course, I liked him the first few dates, but it was never that same feeling. I jumped onto the first ship I saw, hoping it would eventually come. I felt that rush for the first time since going out with Geo two weekends ago, but it wasn’t from him.

I felt guilty about how enamored I was of JJ. Not in the moment, but I texted Ellie at 6 in the morning to tell her I'd accidentally fallen in love with someone else. I knew that JJ would be another Sid. I knew he would haunt my dreams when I closed my eyes at night. I knew he would be a key that would never turn. I knew that because I would never have the guts to end things with Geo. That night, JJ felt like an escape plan. To me, he looked like a gateway out of something I never thought would end. When he was explaining to me, showing me how not to care too much, I felt like he was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. I remember thinking that to myself, but apparently I said it out loud, too. It sounds wrong when it’s taken out of context, but it wasn’t even in a romantic way. I felt like god put him in my path to show me how to change my life and that I wouldn’t be stuck forever. It sounds crazy, and I would never say that to anyone else—But when you’re on psychedelics, someone like JJ feels like they're sent from heaven.

The weird part is, I never felt like I wanted to kiss him. I never felt like reaching out to touch him or imagined lying in his arms. I just felt comfortable where I was, sitting and talking while listening to music. I’m such a maladaptive daydreamer that when I used to meet guys who gave me the click, I would imagine what it would be like to run my fingers through their hair as they spoke. I absolutely had thoughts about leaving Geo that night, but none of those fantasies included taking JJ with me. He was almost like a symbol of my own independence, and it hit harder when the consequences came the next morning. If I weren’t in a relationship with an insecure, immature boy who became overbearing when he drank (and he always drinks), then there would be no consequences for me to handle. I don’t believe I did anything wrong by sticking with someone quiet while I was tripping, but I do understand how it could have hurt Geo. I’ve been in that position, except I felt like I couldn’t say anything. I understood him too well. I questioned it, but it wasn’t something I could ever be mad over. I have faith that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, but he doesn’t have that kind of faith in me. No matter how much I’ve done, how much I’ve hidden to protect his feelings, how many times I’ve decided to stay quiet, he will never trust me if I’m seen socializing with a member of the opposite sex.

-Nelly